A Guide to Direct Communication
Written By: Emily Beck
In the midwest especially, but in lots of other situations as well, we love to talk around things, rather than saying them directly. The intention here is to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Unfortunately, what can happen is that the other person or people in the conversation don’t understand what we need.
An example of this would be saying to a roommate, partner, or family member “The trash needs to be taken out” This may be factually true. However, this is not a request, it’s a statement. While some may understand the request behind the statement, others may miss it entirely. If you want someone to take the trash out, why not say “When you have a moment, can you please take out the trash”? This type of change makes communication less challenging for everyone involved, and gets your needs met. Nothing you are saying is impolite, and the use of “When you have a moment” allows for the possibility that the other person may not have time right now, but can get to the task eventually.
Let's try a more nuanced example. Let’s say you’re at work, and your boss asks you to complete a task. You sort of understand what you need to do, so when your boss asks you to complete the task, you say “Ok, I think I’ve got it”, when really you have a million questions. You may assume that adopting an uncertain tone implies that you need more guidance, but there is a good chance that your boss may miss that entirely, and take you at your word. This can lead to you doing the task incorrectly, and spending a lot more time than you actually needed to, ending in frustration and a waste of time for both of you.
Instead, why not say “I have a few clarifying questions before I get started”. Seems simple, right? At the moment, this can feel like you are showing your boss a lack of confidence or that you’re not capable of doing your job. In reality, you could be saving everyone a lot of time and money.
So how can you remind yourself of this when you’re in the moment? Here are some tips for helping you learn to communicate directly.
Ask yourself- are you asking for what you need? Do you feel like you got what you needed from the conversation? Are there any assumptions left on the table?
Flip the script- If someone said the same thing to you, how would you interpret it? Is there a chance you’ll be taken literally, and that the other person isn’t reading between the lines?
Short term discomfort for long term gain- For many people, direct communication can be uncomfortable. However, remembering the goal of the conversation can help you understand how important it can be to be direct and ask questions..
So why do some of us struggle with direct communication? This can be due to a lot of different reasons. Certain regions, like the midwest, like to soften their requests, because direct requests can be taken as rude or aggressive. Trauma can also lead to fear of asking for what you need. If you are taught in childhood that you can’t ask for your needs to be met, this can make these conversations seem impossible in adulthood. This can happen at home, in a school setting, or socially. Children sometimes need to be taught that they can ask for what they need. You can help by encouraging children to be direct in their communication, and to not pretend to understand when they do not.
Communicating directly takes practice, and may not feel natural at first. An important thing to remind yourself is that you can be kind while still being direct. Asking for what you need is not rude, and the other person always has the opportunity to say no. Small conversational changes can save you a lot of frustration, and can prevent a lot of misunderstandings.
Interested in improving the way you communicate with others? Want to learn more about how to have more clarity in your relationships? Give us a call at 217-203-2008 to start promoting peace from within.
Resources:
https://www.verywellmind.com/being-direct-vs-being-rude-8739387
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/direct-communication