Self-Respect and Using the FAST Skill
By: Ben Bernstein
Imagine you’re having a problem with someone, and you want to fix it. You try to be nice and let the other person talk first. But then, they get everything they want—and you don’t get to say what you want or need. You might even feel bad for trying to speak up at all.
Does this sound like something that’s happened to you?
Do you sometimes feel like people walk all over you, or like it’s wrong to ask for what you need? If so, this blog post is for you!
When things like this happen a lot, they can make you believe that your voice doesn’t matter. But it does matter. You deserve to be heard, and learning how to speak up kindly can help you feel better about yourself.
THE FAST Skill
In something called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, people learn skills to help them feel better and get along with others. These skills often use acronyms—that means each letter in a word stands for something important.
One of these acronyms can help you learn how to show self-respect. Self-respect means feeling good about who you are and treating yourself kindly. By doing this, you also treat other people better. Each letter in the word stands for a different way to feel more confident and have better relationships.
F: Fair
When you talk to other people, try to use kind and respectful words. Just like the weather, don’t be too hot (angry) or too cold (unfriendly). Try to be calm and caring.
When you treat others with respect, it helps you feel better about yourself too.
Being fair means you try to understand what really happened. Instead of getting upset right away, take your time to think and respond in a calm way. This helps solve problems peacefully.
A: Apologies Not Needed
Do you say “sorry” all the time, even when you didn’t do anything wrong? Do you feel scared to speak up around others?
Saying sorry too much can make people think you don’t believe in yourself. Think of your apologies like money in a bank—you should save them for when they really matter. If you’ve hurt someone or made a mistake, it’s good to say sorry.
But don’t say sorry just for being yourself. You don’t have to apologize for who you are.
S: Stick to values
Sometimes, we go through the day without thinking much about what we’re doing. It’s like being on "autopilot." But it’s important to act in a way that feels true to who you are.
To do that, think about what matters most to you—what’s really important in your life. These are called your values. Your values help you set rules, or boundaries, that feel right to you.
Sometimes, your values might not match someone else’s. That’s okay! Try to find a way to meet in the middle so everyone feels heard and respected.
If you’re not sure what your values are, take a look at the list of ideas I’ve shared with you. It might help you figure them out!
https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/
T: Truth and Accountability
Think about a good business. People trust them because they do a great job and treat others well. Customers come back again and again. This is because they know the business is honest and fair. The same thing is true for people. When you are honest and take responsibility for what you do, others will want to be around you.
But if you lie or trick people, they might not want to be your friend. They may even need to stay away from you to feel safe. That can make it harder to have close relationships.
It’s also important to be honest with yourself. Even if it’s hard to tell the truth, it can help you stay strong and feel better in the long run.
If you need help or accommodations to do your best, that’s okay! It’s good to speak up and ask for what you need.
But if you pretend you can’t do something just to get out of it, people might stop trusting you. That can make you feel bad about yourself too.
You Can Start Today
You’ll have chances to use honesty and respect every day. When you do, people may start to see you in a better way. You might even notice that they treat you more kindly over time.
Need Help?
Do you have trouble standing up for yourself or working out problems with others? Does this make it hard to have friends or feel good about yourself?
If you want to talk to someone, you can contact Champaign Counseling.
Email: info@champaigncounseling.com
Phone: 217-203-2008
Resources:
Brene Brown: Dare to Lead List of Values:
https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/
Dr. Don Gasparini for Charlie Health: FAST: A DBT Skill for Maintaining Your Self-Respect
https://www.charliehealth.com/post/fast-a-dbt-skill
The Expanded Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual: DBT for Self-Help, Individual and Group Treatment Settings
Authors: Lane Pederson with Cortney Sidwell Pederson