Everyday Acceptance: Being Aware and Coping with Life’s Daily Annoyances
By: Ben Bernstein
You’re doing the dishes, and a plate breaks. You’re really looking forward to going out with a good friend, and at the last second, they have to cancel because their babysitter can’t make it. You’re playing guitar, and a string breaks. There are many ways in which life provides us with minor annoyances that, because of the chronic uncertainty many of us face on a daily basis, may feel overwhelming. If we are not careful, things can build to the point where we feel we can’t take it anymore. We may “fly off the handle,” taking it out on the ones we love, or we may take it out on ourselves. Do you find yourself having difficulties coping with everyday events? Then this blog post is for you.
Awareness and Vulnerabilities
One of the first things that you can do as you’re starting your day is to consider how you’re feeling. Do you feel rested or tired? Are you hungry? Are you carrying around stress, maybe from an incident at work or at home? These are called vulnerabilities because these things add up, and if we’re not careful, they can have a great impact on how you interact with others, as well as how you take in the events around you. If you remember the Snickers commercials, they came up with the term “hangry” for a reason. One of the things that you can do to plan ahead is to have an emergency snack with you to make sure that you have something to eat, or to schedule your day so that you have the ability to have a meal break. If possible, attempt to have a consistent sleep schedule, so that your body is rested. Every person’s sleep needs are different, so experiment and see what schedule works best for you. Another thing that you can do, if you haven’t done so in a while, is to schedule an appointment with a Primary Care Physician to rule out any possible medical condition.
The STOP skill
One of the main reasons why we get caught up in life’s everyday annoyances is because if we’re not careful, we can become reactive to these events, engaging and not considering the potential outcome of our actions, whether that be to ourselves or others.
One of the skills I like to give clients who encounter distress with these events (as it can be very easy to think the worst and be in emotional “storm”) is the Dialectical Behavior Therapy STOP skill, because it provides the time and space necessary to be responsive to events, thinking about what might happen if they behave in a certain way, and choosing the most effective option available.
Here’s a brief summary of the skill:
S: STOP. Don’t move a muscle. Don’t say another word. Give yourself a chance to take a deep breath and assess the situation.
T: Take a step back. If you’re in a situation where a person or the setting is setting you off, remove yourself from the environment, if possible. Doing this can ensure that you are giving yourself the space necessary to think more with an open mind about the situation.
O: Observe (and consider your OPTIONS): Give yourself a moment, once you have removed yourself from a situation or environment, to observe internally and externally. Internally, paying attention to your emotions, thoughts and physical sensations in the present moment. Externally, paying attention to others’ nonverbal cues (e.g. body language), their tone of voice, and the setting itself; is something about the setting uncomfortable or unsafe? After you observe yourself and the setting, consider the options that you have at the moment. Is there a solution to this problem? If you can’t solve the issue, is there someone that can? What would be the most effective option for maintaining a relationship with someone else? What option is best to get my needs met? Give yourself enough time to calmly consider your options, and then:
P: Proceed mindfully. Stick to your plan, and communicate with others in a neutral tone. Maintain awareness of your emotions; if you find that you’re feeling strong emotions once again, repeat the process, as necessary.
Acceptance does not mean giving in or giving up, but making space
There is a common misconception that acceptance means that we are just giving in to life, that you will just take it and there’s nothing that can be done. There is a lot of power in CHANGING OUR RELATIONSHIP with whatever the stressor is. See if it’s possible to “make space for” this event that just happened. Instead of thinking the worst about the situation, see if you can “be the solution,” and if there’s no solution at the moment, see if you can sit with it, and eventually the emotions will go away over time if you let them.
One of my favorite song lyrics is from the band Dawes: “Things happen, that’s all they ever do.” Life will happen no matter what. What really matters is how you respond to them, and how you relate to what’s happening.
Are you struggling with regulating your emotions, or accepting everyday events? Do you find that this negatively affects your relationships with yourself and others? To schedule an appointment, please feel free to contact us at Champaign Counseling (info@champaigncounseling.com) or call us at 217-203-2008.
Resources:
The Expanded Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual: DBT for Self-Help, Individual and Group Treatment Settings
Author: Lane Pederson with Cortney Sidwell Pederson
Mastering the STOP skill: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional Regulation and Wise Action.
Author: Dr. Alicia Smart, PsyD
https://www.therahive.com/blog/mastering-the-stop-skill